tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66612531935445995012024-03-05T04:00:03.787-08:00ccanimatesAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.comBlogger227125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-4276818207613707972017-03-07T23:20:00.001-08:002017-03-07T23:20:53.058-08:00Custom Inlay Installation<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-55347242531742437272013-08-14T23:48:00.001-07:002013-08-14T23:48:15.150-07:00ccanimatesccanimatesAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-79330348950239862152013-08-07T19:02:00.000-07:002013-10-22T07:05:25.612-07:00ALEA IACTA EST<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMj0zCDyRKynVqBbPS3HOGzL5fegQkVDriseza7l0_3yY43BEwkcQp3Cjpi43r_mFdVmjsqj4B-B9VL8LyAocaGhyphenhyphen4M4usKk_jHZTunHDu1w8MeIQZ_ickMp4aL0T-b-LYW_O-GUUKaHI/s1600/photo-21.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMj0zCDyRKynVqBbPS3HOGzL5fegQkVDriseza7l0_3yY43BEwkcQp3Cjpi43r_mFdVmjsqj4B-B9VL8LyAocaGhyphenhyphen4M4usKk_jHZTunHDu1w8MeIQZ_ickMp4aL0T-b-LYW_O-GUUKaHI/s400/photo-21.JPG" width="288" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Portrait of me and scar by Melissa Carroll</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>It's been an eternity since I've last posted. It's been 10 months of chemo and after this week, I'll only have one cycle left. It's been rough, but we have no choice but to move forward.<br /><br />I haven't felt like writing about myself-- this blog has 5 years of my story documented, and with the mtv show I feel I've said my piece. For the past year I've just been going through the chemotions, the same old, same old. Now that treatment is almost finished, I am starting to look forward. I want to use this blog as a platform for other young adults with cancer. I want to showcase their talents and encourage others to create.<br /><br />Since moving to New York I've had the enormous pleasure of making friends within the young adult cancer community, and without them I doubt I'd have made it through my recurrence sanity intact. I can't stress enough how important it is to have someone to vent to, someone who understands what you're going through, someone to commiserate with, someone to party with (cancer patient style: drinking 4 seltzer waters and home by 12). I noticed early on that all of my cancer friends have an unnervingly low bullshit tolerance-- we skip the smalltalk and go straight for the meaningful conversation, whether it be about death, hope, fear, or of course, cancer. We share our scars and our stories eagerly. There are things I'd never be able to express to anyone else in my life, but my cancer friends get it.<br /><br />My cancer friends are also amazingly talented and strong individuals that have managed to balance the rigors of treatment with their respective creative endeavors, from poetry to journalism, painting to songwriting, photography to social activism. Like me, they've used their skills to express their cancer experience to the world. Here are just a few:<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2sRb6Wj3IoNryntuIk6wp7Ok41Uh6RuYWRFD0qCOMV5TxjUwd1fBRRvHQLWnW4JVYYBwSNk1583vfZOdDKy8XsC4_lMNMBvePOcvUjYpaWwkC01AHDK6DhH3y-GmIM3uaOafGFAcxT1k/s1600/photo-22.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2sRb6Wj3IoNryntuIk6wp7Ok41Uh6RuYWRFD0qCOMV5TxjUwd1fBRRvHQLWnW4JVYYBwSNk1583vfZOdDKy8XsC4_lMNMBvePOcvUjYpaWwkC01AHDK6DhH3y-GmIM3uaOafGFAcxT1k/s400/photo-22.JPG" width="295" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">hanging by a thread, Melissa Carroll</td></tr></tbody></table><br />I met Melissa through this blog-- she contacted me years ago and we became fast friends with much in common. We both have Ewing's Sarcoma and both relapsed around the same time. We also live together and look similar-- we're like the Doublemint gum commercial but with cancer. Melissa is a brilliant painter and lately she's been doing a heavily introspective series of watercolor self-portraits that capture the <i>feeling</i> of cancer like nothing I've ever seen before. She's a master of subtle expression; that look in your eye when you're too nauseous to speak? She can capture it.<br /><br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoIuNBRLDApOaclxGU8lPFXC7u0OYPLvX0JJbejwf1nzjKjnPC9DOaSyy5WRd4a1DklQzxrnyWj0qXq_f9KU4bgYbSJgLK-pmCTCSLUQzikY3LNuwrV0E3pBCxeyAOHDXAR2SX9CoI4VM/s1600/photo-23.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoIuNBRLDApOaclxGU8lPFXC7u0OYPLvX0JJbejwf1nzjKjnPC9DOaSyy5WRd4a1DklQzxrnyWj0qXq_f9KU4bgYbSJgLK-pmCTCSLUQzikY3LNuwrV0E3pBCxeyAOHDXAR2SX9CoI4VM/s400/photo-23.JPG" width="292" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Another Friday Night, Melissa Carroll</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc59FlQb250YKXcl_BYEO7T1x7sXWvpFQuLNCdCLPNXti_gos5vKPE0TOTtJLWYmVEb_1Z7swID263BXMp8zDhOYSCZd0EKtblijN54Icqt0zMYHeFKbEsVlFzNZojKyOODJLRAUfPVd8/s1600/photo-25.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc59FlQb250YKXcl_BYEO7T1x7sXWvpFQuLNCdCLPNXti_gos5vKPE0TOTtJLWYmVEb_1Z7swID263BXMp8zDhOYSCZd0EKtblijN54Icqt0zMYHeFKbEsVlFzNZojKyOODJLRAUfPVd8/s400/photo-25.JPG" width="290" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Melissa is having a solo 1-day show at Andrea Rosen Gallery 2 in NY August 22nd. I will be at the opening, come and say hi!</div><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho7qevcRHdGT_CiL3AF0ra-hIpe_3yT4h5du5gR4CJDU0Ft27LA8PQ86I880vuagA_Ml2ODSQf8CqQx86W-tg9bsTC0FU69iTkcGlIDf03-ooFP8x1dg6myrX8ZTFQYg1pozPFTKY17Uc/s1600/photo-24.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho7qevcRHdGT_CiL3AF0ra-hIpe_3yT4h5du5gR4CJDU0Ft27LA8PQ86I880vuagA_Ml2ODSQf8CqQx86W-tg9bsTC0FU69iTkcGlIDf03-ooFP8x1dg6myrX8ZTFQYg1pozPFTKY17Uc/s400/photo-24.JPG" width="300" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">This is a portrait Melissa did of John. I met John at Sloan Kettering where we're both getting treatment. He's 21 and has AML leukemia, but more importantly, he's a talented skater and songwriter. John has a blog that continues the tradition of candid cancer confessional, and I find myself relating to so much of what he has to say. You can find it here: <a href="http://johndschmidt.tumblr.com/">http://johndschmidt.tumblr.com/</a> </div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVEC0KkmY7UvKzqyGwTQA5-j28-uYVsPM-uWcfberOLVBjnis_9l0lRNuSY0fIwSnGcqdZ8gNLyR84CTvkxL1QkAgz1SJZzWGmK8xbTsaznWy4bTdKMTsqB-BcEhbhnSJk2hyLP8om2dg/s1600/photo-27.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="319" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVEC0KkmY7UvKzqyGwTQA5-j28-uYVsPM-uWcfberOLVBjnis_9l0lRNuSY0fIwSnGcqdZ8gNLyR84CTvkxL1QkAgz1SJZzWGmK8xbTsaznWy4bTdKMTsqB-BcEhbhnSJk2hyLP8om2dg/s320/photo-27.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kristin, Erika, Suleika, Myself, Melissa: cancer babes</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I met Suleika earlier this year. She is battling leukemia (soon to be in remission) and has accomplished more at 25 than most achieve in a lifetime. She writes a <a href="http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/category/voices-2/life/" target="_blank">regular column</a> in the New York Times about her cancer experience and addresses issues important to the young adult cancer community. She's also the spokesperson/ambassador for numerous charities, lectures at colleges nation wide, is writing a book... I am in awe of her energy; I'm tired just from writing this paragraph!</div><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8EaH_0Lvmlew4tjijaI9Xqzd6CzsiSBDz95a-DmMI6wUApeO6eCpfIB9kjO3qFUN0l3s7W4UByyH8wXsb3p4Q008Y9kPbkpUiZD__kn987q9_TV-1ZcFmGIG2DKq3rqIkgKMqsv__lOg/s1600/photo-26.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8EaH_0Lvmlew4tjijaI9Xqzd6CzsiSBDz95a-DmMI6wUApeO6eCpfIB9kjO3qFUN0l3s7W4UByyH8wXsb3p4Q008Y9kPbkpUiZD__kn987q9_TV-1ZcFmGIG2DKq3rqIkgKMqsv__lOg/s320/photo-26.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">memento mori: death rules all men</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">And a small progress shot of some work I'm doing for a group show scheduled for early October featuring 5 artists/cancer survivors. I'll be designing a small capsule collection and showing embroideries with the hair I grew during 3.5 years of remission, stitched on hospital gowns. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">All of us have shared our story for the same reason-- an overwhelming desire to ease the suffering that we ourselves have felt, and a desire to connect. I've felt a genuine connection with every young adult cancer survivor I've met and even though at times it feels like there is no future, only a dead end... that end is false. The future is mutable and ever-changing. There is ALWAYS hope. We are the future until our last breath, and I want to encourage others to continue creating, even with cancer.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Have you had cancer and channeled your creative energy into expressing your experience? Did cancer help you find your voice? Post links in the comment section, I'd love to see everyone's work!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-54678240566810597782013-03-25T12:44:00.000-07:002013-10-22T07:05:25.627-07:00<br />Thank you to everyone who has donated to my special-needs trust. My heart swells.<br /><br />It occurs to me daily that I am almost entirely surviving on the kindness of strangers.<br /><br />I think of old wildlife documentary footage showing altruism in social animals like elephants, taking care of their sick & old because they still offer some kind of benefit to elephant society. I feel like a sick elephant sometimes.<br /><br />Since the show started I've been getting heaps (hundreds) of emails and messages from all walks of life, sharing personal stories in matched intimate detail to what I share on the show. It's humbling, heartwarming, and surprisingly-- emotionally exhausting. I've read each one but haven't even begun to crack the surface of responding to them. When someone takes the time to tell you their life's story, one feels the need to respond with the appropriate intimacy, which takes time and consideration. So apologies if it takes awhile to get a response from me. I'm going through chemo. Sometimes my friends & family don't even hear from me for a few days!<br /><br />Thanks again to everyone who has reached out thus far-- I love reading every message & they definitely make my day!<br /><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgns-YDaP-ar-uJdKTscy9tny0n096uu_dI1y4vSW3SP171byOrNGY5VlNm2L1Sorp7BlbM1giat19PWEWE1GGxOS5XeID9sbaD0xfnp7NdClrMtSpxoCgHLluifh2Y6pkz0yQHJtwS0is/s1600/ele1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgns-YDaP-ar-uJdKTscy9tny0n096uu_dI1y4vSW3SP171byOrNGY5VlNm2L1Sorp7BlbM1giat19PWEWE1GGxOS5XeID9sbaD0xfnp7NdClrMtSpxoCgHLluifh2Y6pkz0yQHJtwS0is/s320/ele1.jpg" width="301" /></a></div><div><br /></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-11913411654947849932013-03-14T12:26:00.000-07:002013-10-22T07:05:25.641-07:00dreams less sweet<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQrfm2fSsN7y1HUrxzuyvOsX-BnbaoGmzPoZTdNbjf2BsnE9psOO6Cv4bbSN2Dh-dnDM2l-3ln4LWzRgOTmEb0OfO4aIrFN336JTctl99EiiAt0MOBN8zomlOoGKN-LPbylWlMCOi76wk/s1600/Photo+on+11-15-12+at+6.27+PM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="284" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQrfm2fSsN7y1HUrxzuyvOsX-BnbaoGmzPoZTdNbjf2BsnE9psOO6Cv4bbSN2Dh-dnDM2l-3ln4LWzRgOTmEb0OfO4aIrFN336JTctl99EiiAt0MOBN8zomlOoGKN-LPbylWlMCOi76wk/s320/Photo+on+11-15-12+at+6.27+PM.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>currently on my second week, 6th cycle of Irinotecan & Temozolomide.<br /><br />six more months<br /><br />and countless hours of pain & nausea<br /><br />but we do it for that glimpse of light-- of living again. however short it might be, we soak it up.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/eVHmvYx0qjs?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>tonight I am on a Gen P-Orridge lyric binge as I try to distract myself from chemo effects. Headphones on, too many drugs to name coursing through veins.<br /><br />in the morning<br />after the night<br />we fall in love with the light<br /><br />you can download a little chemo playlist of PTV favorites <a href="http://www.fileden.com/files/2009/2/16/2323906/PTV%20CHEMO%20MIX%202.zip" target="_blank">here</a>. perfect for neutropenic fevers and astral projections.<br /><br /><br /><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-30129792292635278832013-03-12T18:10:00.000-07:002013-10-22T07:05:25.657-07:00Vintage Cancer #2: Beware the Quack<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCY5ywOanm3Z9vehz1c6ip3CwbwVbtYBj-7_0CrCq2N-LhJ7UfKH3gT8dZ4Svyzvx1w5d6Ly95VOJpN1gaUh4fxqdozuRLIKjeT3F7xzNR5eNt7mFR8jFVWa68nBNNQqQzhP-z__FcL4g/s1600/EM2_025.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; 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text-align: center;"><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN_YN5KNHjEPTeIdTv2gOnhiH72oI1Ha5cPQQx9UV-BoNyac8m3utml2Af6ryz2MlOG3bhrT_4QQKK66ijFxvZVps0HVR4kRYuYjVmnDe4BBNV98WzMpxwHLizdOeZM-aVKbNggmRk3EY/s1600/war-on-cancer-paleofuture.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN_YN5KNHjEPTeIdTv2gOnhiH72oI1Ha5cPQQx9UV-BoNyac8m3utml2Af6ryz2MlOG3bhrT_4QQKK66ijFxvZVps0HVR4kRYuYjVmnDe4BBNV98WzMpxwHLizdOeZM-aVKbNggmRk3EY/s400/war-on-cancer-paleofuture.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_0XvWiIwQxxUvzi7d3RB0-zuecPhyphenhyphenCwA7aYPIVg1nQAox19EGch60AxS-mx778f-JRHF443det58F5MVjpNYsUcX7MNhM9U2koy4XSwXKrsoBWqvRHbGo3b4QJ7TzDjsICXRGq-kz80g/s1600/6a00d83542d51e69e20133f1c31826970b-800wi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_0XvWiIwQxxUvzi7d3RB0-zuecPhyphenhyphenCwA7aYPIVg1nQAox19EGch60AxS-mx778f-JRHF443det58F5MVjpNYsUcX7MNhM9U2koy4XSwXKrsoBWqvRHbGo3b4QJ7TzDjsICXRGq-kz80g/s320/6a00d83542d51e69e20133f1c31826970b-800wi.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrErZPfgCilvGZp67RhuiTLys96LoENxjzeljjmxm0XJvq6eYp5v4u5IDVaCLepe0SQKLaE2pfOuu-scW9vmswv0pQbOHcAo0DHszDLE6DZU_siwrQklQsQ_fa2AqqIZjtuG-fRhJsFK0/s1600/mmm76g65t6g.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrErZPfgCilvGZp67RhuiTLys96LoENxjzeljjmxm0XJvq6eYp5v4u5IDVaCLepe0SQKLaE2pfOuu-scW9vmswv0pQbOHcAo0DHszDLE6DZU_siwrQklQsQ_fa2AqqIZjtuG-fRhJsFK0/s400/mmm76g65t6g.jpg" width="311" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE5zCmHBIP4zkgNlqH_9jQYoVDvAhF6_lo5a8w_rMQqTyVNtRnZZKzTvcd4eTc2MkCHS3t3OO5XNODW9c88jtUb6-wNDu1nFa5KzKhs_oV4ktmeAqMi2VVzM7tLvjhPFyrYLjCtHiPAks/s1600/cancer_electricity_cause.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE5zCmHBIP4zkgNlqH_9jQYoVDvAhF6_lo5a8w_rMQqTyVNtRnZZKzTvcd4eTc2MkCHS3t3OO5XNODW9c88jtUb6-wNDu1nFa5KzKhs_oV4ktmeAqMi2VVzM7tLvjhPFyrYLjCtHiPAks/s320/cancer_electricity_cause.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">This week's Vintage Cancer collected & brought to you by Doran Wittelsbach, <a href="http://dandyarchive.livejournal.com/" target="_blank">Mayor of the Internet</a> and <a href="http://gickr.com/results4/anim_15ffb72a-78fa-3594-c9c4-43c59933b5cd.gif" target="_blank">feudal overlord </a>of my heart. </div><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-33625952841933100822013-03-02T03:27:00.000-08:002013-10-22T07:05:25.668-07:00mtv is using my golden tears to raise cancer awareness, and I'm ok with that.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvbf_srn1h-pi1npYHZDKnDl2N9-AF5EXwrwLB39zwmh8mSGfn3BAP5MJJxeVouctRJQj_gI2K_d8DonkpKMu6mIywVr8WayLD1zuJ9pE_Pc-yPFscUdlMVyj1hLliHViH8xRd-Xm5RvA/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-03-01+at+11.17.36+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvbf_srn1h-pi1npYHZDKnDl2N9-AF5EXwrwLB39zwmh8mSGfn3BAP5MJJxeVouctRJQj_gI2K_d8DonkpKMu6mIywVr8WayLD1zuJ9pE_Pc-yPFscUdlMVyj1hLliHViH8xRd-Xm5RvA/s400/Screen+Shot+2013-03-01+at+11.17.36+PM.png" width="400" /></a></div><br /><br />After the surgery last month I had to learn to walk again without part of my lung & diaphragm. The very first day they had me sitting up. The second day I took my IV pole, two vacuum-suctioned chest tubes, a portable motor that sounded like a shop vac and 3 nurses in tow for a walk (if you could call it that) down the ICU hallway. We even tried climbing stairs, but the tubes from my IV only allowed me to take 3 steps up, which I think would be manageable for even the most feeble degenerates among us. I stopped practicing the stairs after that. But I kept walking, and 3 or 4 days later I was doin' laps like lance armst--- I mean, like a pro. It's amazing how fast the body can recover.<br /><br />After I was discharged from the hospital I went right into chemo cycle #5. I think the extra pain meds have made me extra nauseous this time. There are lots of other "extras" that pain meds give you, like extra hard poop. extra heavy eyelids. extra street cred. extra helpful friends.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT40HmFymNqmoB2vgeAq-rLX05xvUfi6rChbALTUmS4tzWUnpK0L4MIF3aavm5yVqinDiG9XsvCBuyeJ-z1uOs5o0X7Z9Xv0tt1GBv8HYVQkX8tw52Q9k2MBLBQpwSRHbQ5muyvk8ZLZU/s1600/IMG_5671.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT40HmFymNqmoB2vgeAq-rLX05xvUfi6rChbALTUmS4tzWUnpK0L4MIF3aavm5yVqinDiG9XsvCBuyeJ-z1uOs5o0X7Z9Xv0tt1GBv8HYVQkX8tw52Q9k2MBLBQpwSRHbQ5muyvk8ZLZU/s400/IMG_5671.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />For the last few days, Jon & I have been editing the final version of the comic. It's come so very far from the hair-brained scheme we hatched years ago. I had time to kill in the waiting room before one of my (many) doctor appointments, so I pulled out a test-print and started to read. In no time I was sucked into a colorful world that echoed, in a surreal way, the hospital around me and issues I was immediately facing. Jon's drawings are delightfully intricate; you can take your time on each page and notice new details with every read. I was disappointed when my name was finally called, because it meant a transition from this magical cancer-comic world to real world-- and real cancer. Bottom line: great for making hospitals more bearable. I can't wait until issue #1 is finished.<br /><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXSgqUvffH91WjigcwwT3d0zbtUuukNyi-5mrRLzN_dzzCllp970SGB1jxDpK0cdj_UsBJUlBJPvm6HDOwcWO4DuAmB1AudxuyFHdAQywkGDxLbEij3AqJpCz383zQ4lD0foSKNg5RHUQ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-03-01+at+11.13.25+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXSgqUvffH91WjigcwwT3d0zbtUuukNyi-5mrRLzN_dzzCllp970SGB1jxDpK0cdj_UsBJUlBJPvm6HDOwcWO4DuAmB1AudxuyFHdAQywkGDxLbEij3AqJpCz383zQ4lD0foSKNg5RHUQ/s400/Screen+Shot+2013-03-01+at+11.13.25+PM.png" width="400" /></a></div><br /><br />I suppose I should mention: I will be featured on Season 2 World of Jenks on MTV, which premiers this Monday. The crew followed me for a year as I moved from San Francisco to NYC to pursue my career and a cancer-free fresh start. I'm horribly embarrassed about the whole thing, but I remind myself that I participated in this project to promote young adult cancer awareness and issues of survivorship. When I was first diagnosed I felt so shamefully alone-- my cancer happens to one in a million, and it's even rarer in young adults. The prognosis is grim, but there are a few survival success stories out there if you look hard enough. I wanted so badly to find someone I could relate to, someone to learn from, some lucky soul who had found the light at the end of the IV drip and was ok now. I wanted to be ok too, someday. What I needed was empirical hope. I needed proof through personal experience that my cancer was survivable, that pain is surmountable, that the future is inevitable. I needed accounts of young adults overcoming the physical & emotional upheaval of cancer so that I could be better equipped to navigate my own tumultuous journey. Trouble is, until very recently, people have rarely been encouraged to open up (I mean <i><b>really</b></i> open up) about Cancer due to negative social stigma, fear of vulnerability or judgment, or outmoded cultural mythologies of illness. Eff that, let's talk about it! Let's set the record straight and help the newly diagnosed. Empirical hope, knowledge, camaraderie-- this is what I wish to give others by sharing my story with MTV. <br /><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT1a1dpu1VjNB0IjTJVGD12jeLbaUCMi9HAs8nzbsrwt0qmCcrD3Tz4Qzvve2h94kmhnMKF9G7HIPB7TnGxOjK6RRNldoRITqccTv1CvMV5JILAN9X1dY4Go0sRIOo5piWfqAZHZ3YHlM/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-03-01+at+11.08.35+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT1a1dpu1VjNB0IjTJVGD12jeLbaUCMi9HAs8nzbsrwt0qmCcrD3Tz4Qzvve2h94kmhnMKF9G7HIPB7TnGxOjK6RRNldoRITqccTv1CvMV5JILAN9X1dY4Go0sRIOo5piWfqAZHZ3YHlM/s400/Screen+Shot+2013-03-01+at+11.08.35+PM.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">Hope creates strength, and with strength we can survive. to ride ziplines.</div><br /><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-1859123034222922272013-02-04T08:09:00.000-08:002013-10-22T07:05:25.681-07:00Stupid CancerI wore this <a href="http://www.stupidcancer.org/" target="_blank">Stupid Cancer</a> wristband during my surgery as a good luck charm. Still in hospital but hope to be freed soon. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCcCoPHEwK0" target="_blank">Flipping the bird</a> at cancer, not you...<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEeDvuXOuLmK_1lLerVRWxEvYQUgaZ7kltpdkKXi3lkcwYNFodqjBt7xL-Aj7N_wrNmk_nZV90AEdSWfBqGnvymboH19HtbLFwMzZcGjzGjBc2jGrIU33MsVhXAiie_ZR1bDAoWJeD8p8/s1600/photo.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEeDvuXOuLmK_1lLerVRWxEvYQUgaZ7kltpdkKXi3lkcwYNFodqjBt7xL-Aj7N_wrNmk_nZV90AEdSWfBqGnvymboH19HtbLFwMzZcGjzGjBc2jGrIU33MsVhXAiie_ZR1bDAoWJeD8p8/s320/photo.PNG" width="320" /></a></div><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-75376458565872886712013-02-03T09:50:00.000-08:002013-10-22T07:05:25.694-07:00more things on strings<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz7w6WYGmqelY3ljL3ej4JMGuzYBlfxAoe58q05wZJ74QVCsasSi_lNmQEFQHefO490TS5Mlo3_nsuK6j80R9sz9NdseZ964bQXtZaF7sMxagd10FP3DYkO73M_xCw4uKArMLbZfrtoPs/s1600/photo-13.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz7w6WYGmqelY3ljL3ej4JMGuzYBlfxAoe58q05wZJ74QVCsasSi_lNmQEFQHefO490TS5Mlo3_nsuK6j80R9sz9NdseZ964bQXtZaF7sMxagd10FP3DYkO73M_xCw4uKArMLbZfrtoPs/s400/photo-13.JPG" width="300" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I awoke to find this balloon hovering suspiciously close to my face, obviously mocking me with its grotesquely stretched mylar smile. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I punched it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">[EDIT: Don't get me wrong, I love smiley balloons! Keep them coming!]</div><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-83094577924935460202013-01-31T11:45:00.000-08:002013-10-22T07:05:25.708-07:00It's like looking in a mirror...If you're curious to know what I look like right now in ICU after Friday's surgery, <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/jan/28/iran-launches-monkey-into-space" target="_blank">this Iranian space monkey</a> depicts me perfectly, from the velcroed-in leg restraints and little socks, to the bald head and sad face of pain and pure terror of his fate in life. Thank you space monkey, for making my life a little easier. Now I don't even have to take a picture.<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimUqHiK_g6-qVXwnpt8tooC6x-UEOyIyzDqN56MnAnBNtWNB0LgwP3Dndt3kZWTAalOyyWD6Q0r7NCxs7R7T7qRxHlRXkh0njni5_GCZuF0RppyJ8dncXAQ4mCk-GnG8nWZAJivK8deYk/s1600/photo-7.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimUqHiK_g6-qVXwnpt8tooC6x-UEOyIyzDqN56MnAnBNtWNB0LgwP3Dndt3kZWTAalOyyWD6Q0r7NCxs7R7T7qRxHlRXkh0njni5_GCZuF0RppyJ8dncXAQ4mCk-GnG8nWZAJivK8deYk/s1600/photo-7.JPG" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Saddest picture ever.</span></td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Monkey business aside (yah I went there), surgery went fantastically well and I am slowly healing. They took out what was left of my tumor, the lower right lobe of my lung, part of my diaphragm muscle, and scraped some cancer from the vena cava that leads to my heart. I've had an epidural & two chest tubes put in, and I'm of the opinion that three is enough for one lifetime. That shit HURTS.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It is very hard to walk due to weakness and shortness of breath, but I'm working with a physical therapist every day to strengthen my stamina. I'll be inpatient at SK for the next week.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I hope your fate is as good as mine, space monkey.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-45021935555400170782013-01-21T11:22:00.000-08:002013-10-22T07:05:25.724-07:00Wig Post<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5KQbCJqU8iQRGF9THownRGs30b8JfPo0GWanly5ekAtu5M0PU1PHXRWOkUdoeVhS20Q7hNRHrdU8cBp892GgURX45aM3ARzw85O2Xc7jFtEWbErKTuYF0A6EOd-vSOLsuzvsA6icpWOI/s1600/IMG_3306.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5KQbCJqU8iQRGF9THownRGs30b8JfPo0GWanly5ekAtu5M0PU1PHXRWOkUdoeVhS20Q7hNRHrdU8cBp892GgURX45aM3ARzw85O2Xc7jFtEWbErKTuYF0A6EOd-vSOLsuzvsA6icpWOI/s400/IMG_3306.JPG" width="260" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5cmDz6j89HMbeeO-XiSisrGqJegJnWxaAwG-NroMWRu-SxOD3xhsu2JXAEV6XLbwEuIUav6QnZ-LblKi9GT83M93YsHpjHN6dtHlb6-l9Y5Hljv09EbmKJnsReUQGwlJfDdSP3Ce5Aqo/s1600/IMG_3316.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5cmDz6j89HMbeeO-XiSisrGqJegJnWxaAwG-NroMWRu-SxOD3xhsu2JXAEV6XLbwEuIUav6QnZ-LblKi9GT83M93YsHpjHN6dtHlb6-l9Y5Hljv09EbmKJnsReUQGwlJfDdSP3Ce5Aqo/s400/IMG_3316.JPG" width="298" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoldC76YBlo9qjRbzWg_a5-8BtHx9u4_Zub3Fgp7QoeaMVDbZVNWyZKm1GZOvngMQoyz-8LkJbeuF7xOVPK-f7VThuBjkJt9ddwEZYlCPY_jtbza6ZaZmHx1v702HZNmGc4eXngAOTjc0/s1600/photo-5.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoldC76YBlo9qjRbzWg_a5-8BtHx9u4_Zub3Fgp7QoeaMVDbZVNWyZKm1GZOvngMQoyz-8LkJbeuF7xOVPK-f7VThuBjkJt9ddwEZYlCPY_jtbza6ZaZmHx1v702HZNmGc4eXngAOTjc0/s400/photo-5.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWiyVP3Pg77yU2hoXiNk-MWEG5sOv2yxX_cUt4ygHwkVd4u3JbiDO0jn8fy-fwkN7Geq3ApDmOhI6XOgJVYZWzBTAzS9ZBUsYa3NshBJUOB0TTVGrQXolSqquAfYs_cEElUg4oDIo8IUs/s1600/IMG_3315.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWiyVP3Pg77yU2hoXiNk-MWEG5sOv2yxX_cUt4ygHwkVd4u3JbiDO0jn8fy-fwkN7Geq3ApDmOhI6XOgJVYZWzBTAzS9ZBUsYa3NshBJUOB0TTVGrQXolSqquAfYs_cEElUg4oDIo8IUs/s400/IMG_3315.JPG" width="353" /></a></div><br /><br />A good wig is hard to find, amiright?<br /><br /><br />This time around I'm really liking South Korean-made wigs from <a href="http://www.yesstyle.com/en/gabalmania/list.html/bpt.299_bid.312168#/sb-158/vn-33/pn-5" target="_blank">Gabalnara</a>-- cute styles & a very realistic quality... you just have to look past the creepy "Ulzzang" faces.<br /><div><br /></div><br /><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-8708589583508028132013-01-10T09:19:00.000-08:002013-10-22T07:05:25.741-07:00Holidaze...<br />Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and all of those other greetings I have so egregiously missed for the past few months of not blogging. I hope you will forgive me.<br /><br />For those interested in the numbers: I am now almost done with chemo cycle 4 of 12, the scans are showing that the lung tumor is shrinking nicely and I have surgery scheduled for Jan 25th to remove it-- something I am thoroughly dreading. Afterwards, more chemo and radiation until September.<br /><br />I am having a much harder time emotionally this time around. Something to do with the unspeakable bummer of a 3rd diagnosis while still in my 20's, feeling jaded and weak and furiously angry at my lot in life. An impalpable sense that I am being cheated wafting all around me at all times. I have no healthy way of disposing this anger and frustration so it comes out surreptitiously in the form of constant grumpiness, which I'm sure makes me a pleasure to be around. It's probably not you, it's me. I've been craving a lot of time alone and I'm not sure people understand why I need it, but I do.<br /><br />Grumpiness aside, I am so incredibly grateful for the support system I have & all of the wonderful people who have donated money to help smooth the rough path to remission. These donations help me afford a car service to chemo in the mornings (so I don't have to take the crowded flu ridden subway), healthy groceries, and medical deductibles. I wish I could thank every benefactor personally but I realize the biggest act of gratitude is to keep writing and sharing-- the things that brought you here in the first place.<br /><br />I'm planning a bunch of new posts soon, but to tide you over, I'd highly recommend checking out this book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Emperor-All-Maladies-Biography-Cancer/dp/1439170916" target="_blank">The Emperor of all Maladies</a>, a surprisingly intimate and fascinating amalgamation of case studies, the history of cancer, its significance in culture throughout the ages, and how modern cancer treatment came to be.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-90329041263244700382012-11-30T08:49:00.000-08:002013-10-22T07:05:25.753-07:00LifelinesHere's the plan:<br /><br />I am to get 12 cycles of chemo-- 2 weeks on, one week off, over the course of a year. I have 10 cycles to go. During this time, due to the Irinotecan, I will feel weak, nauseous, and have extreme abdominal cramping. I've already lost most of my hair, so 2013 will be a relatively hairless year. I get infused from 9am-12:30 daily, and am then left to my own devises, which usually means sleep and netflix. I want to find income of some sort & am (very tentatively) considering re-opening my etsy shop & sewing up some samples.<br /><br />My bills from the epic one-week uninsured stay at Bellevue add up to over $6,000... I haven't looked at all of them, to be honest. You'd think for 6k I'd get better inpatient meals than a corn muffin and a saran wrapped piece of american cheese on a styrofoam plate, as I was served for breakfast one day:<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh28TABwG4RFNv449HhWZaAIl-ehd8gAxxszT3Y9ZBJostio-qgA0nr8zSitPXngQU-SfuOjsrcnxbVhoirhp43Ir577XelL4s0zCHaTyOwoVR64icxngWTWMGbyjL7onE7v6TNcpvYCdI/s1600/picasion.com_9a15d1a25ce5ea58ae52376d607ab7fa.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh28TABwG4RFNv449HhWZaAIl-ehd8gAxxszT3Y9ZBJostio-qgA0nr8zSitPXngQU-SfuOjsrcnxbVhoirhp43Ir577XelL4s0zCHaTyOwoVR64icxngWTWMGbyjL7onE7v6TNcpvYCdI/s320/picasion.com_9a15d1a25ce5ea58ae52376d607ab7fa.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">If you'd like to help out with my egregious debt to the City of New York Public Health Services, please click the donate button to the right-- I need all the help I can get right now and I left my shame at the infusion room door. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I had to cut off my hair a few weeks ago & it was more emotional than I thought it would be-- presumably because I hadn't cut my hair since it started growing back in 2009. That hair represented 3 years of remission, now gone. I saved the braids, I'm not sure why. I labeled the bag "RIP Kaylin's remission, 2009-2012". It was a private affair, no camera or chemohawk, which would've felt cheap and exploitative to my tresses this time around. Something has changed. I'm no longer documenting my treatment with nervous excitement, I don't feel like making fun of everything cancer-related. I should change the name of my blog to "Cancer is Annoying as Fuck, Please Leave Me Alone (the cancer, not you)". </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdVZTfoZ3S31UeOEfHWkVPTbxn_wyu38si7x3IaG2xhVHFPOlHiyg1TBD4lJU63ZpHbxnv7BDpfKQ8l2WLquD_zOCnbpG_MI-eE7Y0R6KyKqRva7ZdKMQapsnEn3mdI2FzCJigQESOYLQ/s1600/Photo+on+11-13-12+at+11.32+AM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdVZTfoZ3S31UeOEfHWkVPTbxn_wyu38si7x3IaG2xhVHFPOlHiyg1TBD4lJU63ZpHbxnv7BDpfKQ8l2WLquD_zOCnbpG_MI-eE7Y0R6KyKqRva7ZdKMQapsnEn3mdI2FzCJigQESOYLQ/s320/Photo+on+11-13-12+at+11.32+AM.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">pre cut</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio2wu6HbsH56mi1wRHsK0UbPJ1LvQPMTtxEBb_nNuIcbY_C-kiNsmu7wGOOe-q6rfHq0HzDqYEgQUWi1rfgVpa9tcA3s7F7x7JMbDXB4be8j9wAxlGjtAQM_ay-vVDNBmlTp24EcoyaGQ/s1600/IMG_3325.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio2wu6HbsH56mi1wRHsK0UbPJ1LvQPMTtxEBb_nNuIcbY_C-kiNsmu7wGOOe-q6rfHq0HzDqYEgQUWi1rfgVpa9tcA3s7F7x7JMbDXB4be8j9wAxlGjtAQM_ay-vVDNBmlTp24EcoyaGQ/s320/IMG_3325.jpg" width="237" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">back to bald</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br />So here I am in purgatory again, the space between. I'm resigned now to the idea that my cancer is a chronic affliction, something I will have to deal with on and off until I die. I am a professional cancer patient. This is my fate. On my left hand my lifeline splits dramatically in half, with each end arching in different directions, away from each other . When I was a kid I wondered what this meant-- would I be in a car crash half way through my life? Would I almost die? The thought was terrifying. Now I know: it represents life before cancer, and with cancer.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Now I just need to learn to live with it. </div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-30858020624595573632012-11-28T05:46:00.000-08:002013-10-22T07:05:25.908-07:00please let this be true.<br /><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQk6KXxIPGRJ31Qp5U9zgBM6T8pSDZ9G0VKNAgg3g9TvtDWnTitfHe7KX-Vuxf5JkjJL_VTj79hPCK_nZ5eTnfirfSlt1Yy-AHRleSnJ-TXauuD21dJgDG8d5w20YsFk5olfvzAxbixNM/s1600/FB28EFE9-2D27-47F7-B0E7-421A840F3601.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQk6KXxIPGRJ31Qp5U9zgBM6T8pSDZ9G0VKNAgg3g9TvtDWnTitfHe7KX-Vuxf5JkjJL_VTj79hPCK_nZ5eTnfirfSlt1Yy-AHRleSnJ-TXauuD21dJgDG8d5w20YsFk5olfvzAxbixNM/s320/FB28EFE9-2D27-47F7-B0E7-421A840F3601.JPG" width="309" /></a></div></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-16038205435110079992012-11-12T13:30:00.000-08:002013-10-22T07:05:26.005-07:00nothing creative to say, just that a little cancer came my way.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzyEAKG0UDjqto5sF3l4jsOgG-NC6TE2VqbGJigWsVnC4rMvBs1VaSaPy5AFlcrNoiZbVynYiXWokGBl8X3YHrNuDPilyLqzR3tM4l3xzu0gBHbYokvwHa2FnL3fDicfCqgui-g7wW_Yk/s1600/Intravenus+de+milo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="316" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzyEAKG0UDjqto5sF3l4jsOgG-NC6TE2VqbGJigWsVnC4rMvBs1VaSaPy5AFlcrNoiZbVynYiXWokGBl8X3YHrNuDPilyLqzR3tM4l3xzu0gBHbYokvwHa2FnL3fDicfCqgui-g7wW_Yk/s320/Intravenus+de+milo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />Welp. Nothing lasts forever, not even N.E.D.<br /><br />I have been diagnosed with a recurrence of my original Ewing's Sarcoma from 2008. This time the tumor is growing from my right lung pleura and is completely taking up the right side of my chest, pushing on my heart. It's roughly the size and shape of a dinner plate, which is to say... it's HUGE. Over the past few weeks I've had a chest tube put in (thankfully out now) to drain 3 liters of fluid from my lung. I've started chemo, which seems milder so far than what I went through three years ago. Still, the side effects remain, especially weakness & vomiting, my dear old friends.<br /><br />Right now I'm being treated at Sloan Kettering thanks to the hard work of my dedicated family, friends, and... Medicaid. I cannot express how magical SK is, especially Pediatrics, where I am being treated. It's like the Disneyland of cancer wards. I feel I'm in the best, most capable hands possible.<br /><br />My next chemo is on the 19th, just in time for Thanksgiving & watching everyone around me eat delicious food while I desperately grasp the puke bucket. Each cycle will consist of 10 days Irenotecan and 5 days of some other drug I can't remember. I won't know of any progress (i.e., is it working?) until after my second cycle. This will go on for 12 months, with breaks for radiation and surgery. Yes, I get it all this time!<br /><br />I promise to keep you all updated, but please keep in mind-- sometimes I don't even have the energy to write. There is an apathy that falls upon you after your 3rd cancer diagnosis. I saw it happen with friends, and now I understand. Why bother to write this time? Haven't we been here before? Why am I suffering through this again?<br /><br /><br /><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-71367876669498890962012-10-15T20:36:00.000-07:002013-10-22T07:05:26.100-07:00Hi everbody, I have cancer again, awesome right?<br />I'm waiting... still waiting to let you guys know a definitive diagnosis. It will be soon. Currently applying for Medicaid in hopes that I can get into Sloan Kettering. It's been 3 months now that I've been experiencing symptoms, which have gotten progressively worse, to the point that I find it hard to walk, eat, sleep, breathe. If I had insurance I'd probably already be in treatment right now, a sad thought. I'm in a lot of pain, but the Public Health Hospitals here in NY (even the oncologists!) are not allowed to give an opiate-tolerant patient proper relief. For a tumor the size of a small cantaloupe, they're only allowed to give me 5mg oxycodone. That's one step above giving me a rag to clench my teeth on, so I'd say Bellevue has made considerable strides these past 100 years.<br /><br /> I've been listening to the This American Life archive recently and comedian Tig Notaro totally hit the nail on the head for me, what I've been feeling, a weakened but still bitingly sarcastic "great, now what." She's funny. Listen to it. <script src="http://audio.thisamericanlife.org/widget/widget.min.js" type="text/javascript"></script><br /><br /><br /><br /><div class="this-american-life" id="this-american-life-476" style="width: 340px;"></div>I will update you completely after I get my (hopefully) full diagnosis this Weds. Until then, feel free to send me your "awwwwww"s. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-20015097429982273962012-10-05T17:20:00.000-07:002013-10-22T07:05:26.209-07:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; font-size: 20px;"></span><br /><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; font-size: 20px;"><br /></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6661253193544599501.post-85265003183859764792012-09-13T22:25:00.000-07:002013-10-22T07:05:26.315-07:00deliriumI'm kind of delirious right now due to pain, lack of sleep and general malaise, but I remembered something:<br /><br />Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own personal world that I forget that great call of duty to express the tiny scrap of knowledge I've gained in this hard-knock-life.<br /><br />Mini Update:<br /><br />-- been in the process of applying for disability since June & still waiting...<br /><br />-- aged out of my Mom's health coverage in May, have been uninsured for almost 4 months. (feeling very grateful to have had it at all.)<br /><br />-- have since waged a mostly failing (and flailing, at times) battle with NY public health services, HHC, SSA, ETC ETC.<br /><br />-- illness is a full time job, my friends, and I've been killing myself just to support myself. The American Healthcare System is beautiful in that way! It's a mystical paradox that, with a little bit of faith, we can all buy into. Just like... oh shit.<br /><br />-- due to no insurance, I stopped my chronic pain regimen. plus: clear head. minus: pain.<br /><br />-- been to the ER several times in the last few months due to ongoing medical issues that I KNOW are symptoms of my body fighting <i>something</i>... been dismissed just as many times.<br /><br />-- as a last ditch effort for help, went to the ER a few days ago and dramatically exaggerated my symptoms: crying, coughing up a storm, limping, gasping for breath, clutching my side. All real symptoms & reactions, mind you, but normally I'd hide them and stay classy.<br /><br />-- FUCKING FINALLY they give me a chest x-ray. I wanted to bow down to the tall nordic resident physician who suggested it and kiss his shoe in a gesture of gratitude, but that would've been icky.<br /><br />-- I have a softball sized "thing" in my chest cavity that is "probably a hernia" but "might be a tumor". As we all know by now, this means "probably tumor but I probably shouldn't tell you that".<br /><br />-- CT scan scheduled for next Thursday, and I will know more then. How much is a CT scan, exactly? Just add it to my tab.<br /><br /><br />In Conclusion: I will be posting more soon & I might regret publishing this in the morning.<br /><br /><br /><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02676543741082515706noreply@blogger.com0