I was walking around the Tenderloin alone today, running errands, my muscles sore from all of this new activity, when I realized that OH MY GOD, I'm happy. Really really truly happy to have a taste of living once again. To be inspired by the strangers and the grey streets around me. The macaroni and cheese puke I passed by on Hyde didn't even deter my good mood in the slightest (although, why would it, after six months of chemo?).
I was worried that my former mess of a life would continue post-cancer, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm consciously trying to make the right decisions and allow positive, constructive people into my world.
I am breaking into sobs as I try and write this, now full blown tears dripping onto the hard-wood floor in a little puddle at my feet. I am finally realizing the scope of what I have just been through. The overwhelming fear and feeling of death, the daily gritting of my teeth as I prepare myself for chemo, needles and blood and puke and endless, indescribable pain. It's not even over yet.
All of this and still the chance to be happy. I can hardly believe it. This is why I'm crying.
You have no idea what you are able to overcome. You cannot fathom how strong you really are.
Trust me.
If anything, I want my story to show you that.
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