Monday, 15 March 2010

I'm so high maintenance

pain status: same as before, but now a lingering fatigue. I can sleep 14 hours and wake up tired. Also, my bones hurt. It feels exactly like the pain I got from Neupogen injections, like hot lava in your bones, burning and radiating out. It makes me restless, I want to stretch and shake the pain away. My fingertips are tingly. I yawn a lot. I've had a constant nausea for the last few days, which makes food unpalatable.

I've been having a tough time keeping up with life. This is a hard thing for a perfectionist to handle. Harder, harder, work harder to be normal. You must hide your physical pain, you've got to fight off your anxiety, you need to combat fatigue. Take your pills.

My collection due date is in exactly one month and one week.
work work work

My friend is dying slowly, but much faster than me. This is terrifying; to have a window into what will probably (50%) be your own unwanted fate. A flip of the coin. Every moment my mind is left to wonder, it wonders about death.

It crosses my mind frequently that this collection may be the last I ever design. So it's got to be good. It's got to be. perfect.

Anais Nin once wrote, "I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing".

I postpone death.

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