Friday, 21 November 2008

I haven't been able to walk since last Friday. I am so relieved the pain finally went away a couple of days ago- being stuck in bed is so disheartening.

I have a lesson for you today: appreciate your body.

Your body, this amazing thing that houses your consciousness. Touch something right now with your fingertips- the keyboard, the surface of the desk, your face. Feel it. Know that I can't. I will never be able to hold your hand and feel it in mine like I did before. Walk around today, feel the sun on your face. I used to walk around everywhere. I miss it. Taste something today, really taste it. Feel how satisfying it is. I haven't even been able to chew food for the past few days. Oh, what I would give to be able to eat curry again.

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I've been hesitant to describe my chemo side-effects on the blog, if only because they're THAT horrible and there are people who read this thing that I miss kissing. I suppose that's why I don't want to show anyone my baldy head either. But... fuck that. I'm here, all alone, going through this alone. We're all human, and what I'm experiencing the most intrinsic, human thing of all- suffering. Probably more extreme mental and physical anguish than most people ever experience, but relatable non the less.

Plus, I would have been grateful to know what really happens before I started. I went into chemo thinking my biggest issues would be hair loss and nausea. Hi-fucking-larious.

Here is an example of my last two weeks with the adria/vin combo. Adriamycin is a powerful antibiotic, killing all of the good bacteria in your body, while vincristine is a nerve toxin:

1.) Mon-Tues: The actual chemo days are not so bad. You sit in a chair for 8 hours hooked up to a machine and feel slightly flu-like when home. Fun times in the near future!

2.) Weds: Wake up vomiting. Extreme nausea and fatigue that lasts about a week. Trip to the ER due to vomiting, fever, and an internal infection.

3.) Thurs-Fri: Drug induced stupor in bed. The fatigue feels like you've got cabin fever within your own body, or restless leg syndrome, but all over. Your body is exhausted and nauseous but your mind is healthy and awake. This disconnect is horrible. Minutes seem like hours. Around Thursday the nerves in my feet begin to hurt. By Friday it is excruciating to walk.

4.) Sat-Tues: Still can't walk, still fatigued and in bed. The nausea finally subsides.

5.) Weds-Thurs: Finally, my feet feel normal, but now I wake up with a mouth full of sores due to thrush. The sides and back of my tongue are covered, and they go all the way down my throat. I can't chew anything. I start to slur my words. The pain is horrible. Also, be grateful your shit is normal and lasts 5 seconds and is generally uneventful. Those chemo mouth sores don't just stop at my throat... They go all the way down my digestive tract. So be grateful your shit doesn't feel like satan riding a motorcycle straight from hell and out your ass twice a day. It is seriously THE WORST pain I have ever experienced.

So.. here I am, Thursday with thrush. You get to read it for 5 minutes, but I get to live it for the next four months. Jealous much?

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