Tuesday, 5 May 2009

ugly bones.

Drove to Oakland today to visit the orthopedic surgeon and discuss my options.

So, so. Here's the deal. My cancer is undetectable at this point. Surgery would give me an even better chance of survival, but I'd be debilitated for the rest of my life. The surgeon would have to take out all of this:

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(don't you love how I bust out Illustrator at 2 am?)

I'd be in the hospital for 6 days and have to walk with crutches or a walker for 6 months. I would probably permanently have a limp. Or lean, I guess, if you want to get all gangsta on me. Because I've had radiation and the bone is dead, they wouldn't be able to do reconstructive surgery. I'd be misshapen on one side.

Needless to say, I'm electing not to get surgery. eff that crap.

Whenever people ask how I'm doing the tears automatically start rolling. I don't fully understand it. I won't be thinking a sad thought. I'll be happy, I'll want to say, "I am amazing, I feel alive, I feel purified now." But I'll get a lump in my throat instead. The words stumble around in my mouth, I cry instead of crying out my post-chemo revelations.

I wonder how many years of therapy I'll need for this?

Never mind all of that, take a look at this. This makes me happy. I had it commissioned one dark and rainy night from Epicbones on Etsy. More on that later... I'm going to love this thing forever.

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