My PTSD has been flaring up lately. I haven't left my room in days. It's like a wet blanket wrapping around you, blocking you from reality, suffocating you. Fear, anger, guilt. hopelessness. Sometimes I actually taste the chemo under my tongue, or feel sharp pains by my port, as if a needle is sticking me.
All of this free time is exacerbating things, I think. I have way too much time to THINK, but not enough energy to DO.
I keep waiting for some kind of salvation-- an SSI claim approval, or the samfund grant, or a job interview. Something to signal that my life has hope, a direction, and isn't totally going to shit because of cancer.
I keep waiting.