On Wednesday I had 2 interviews and handed out resumes door-to-door, soliciting myself unmercifully (we will omit the ER bit).

On Thursday I helped Ambit set up their trunk show at End of Century.

On Friday I went to Planned Parenthood for a check-up, which is very much like waiting at the DMV.

On Tuesday I had 3 interviews in one day. In 5 hours I need to get up and get ready for another.

unpaid internship= check. http://rachelantonoff.com

blisters & bruises from lugging my 20 pound portfolio around Manhattan= check.

things looking up= /halfcheck.

so much has been going on the last few days & I will provide a full update soon, but I just wanted to say...

to the lovely readers that reached out to help, thank you SO much, it warms my heart and makes me want to return the love every day. I'll answer emails as soon as I can. I'm going to PP for a check-up tomorrow & will let you guys know how it goes.

most often I blog to vent, and I realize it must seem like my life is one stressful disaster after another (which is not entirely untrue), but please know that I'm very, very happy to be living my life.

more soon.

I'm having a mondo-crying fit right now. it happens occasionally.

I don't understand how I keep going on interviews and keep failing to land a job.

Even minimum wage jobs for which I've had years of positive previous experience with the Company, i.e. Crossroads, have turned me down. RETAIL JOBS ARE TURNING ME DOWN, not even the design industry.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Is it the gaps in my employment history from having cancer/being in college? Is it because I'm honest about being in remission for cancer? Does that scare you, employer? Is it because I only worked at Bloomingdale's for 6 months during the summer, and Goorin for 8 months before they laid me off?

I really... I'm really discouraged.

I will not be able to pay for July rent. My credit line is maxed. I have $42 to my name. I have an interview on Weds that seems promising, but it's for an unpaid internship.

I'm doing the best I can, I'm showing up articulate, positive, absolutely willing to work, honest, with a resume and portfolio I poured my heart into and a smile on my face.

the reality? reality doesn't care much about me or my problems.

/rant.

live fully or surrender

I'm feeling really down today.

I went to visit an old school friend this afternoon at his studio, which was great; I forgot how much we had in common and I've always admired his knowledge of proper clothing construction. He is the professional I wish I was. So we were catching up, and of course it was requisite that I talk about my cancers. I explained the neck surgery, the chronic pain, my medication regimen, how I really want to find a job that offers health insurance. The documentary, and how I hope it will somehow help others. All with a casual insouciance that no doubt disturbs people who don't know me well. I may as well have been talking about a paper-cut.

But under all of those flat recitations there was a tightening of my chest, my eyes started to water, I felt a pain bubbling up within myself that was definitely NOT the Thai curry I was eating. Here's the comment that did it, and if you are a cancer survivor you've heard it countless times: "Wow, you're so strong! You're such a badass! Most people can't even handle normal life stress, let alone cancer". I know, I know. Believe me, I didn't choose to be a badass, it just happened.

I always think to myself, "If you had cancer you'd have done the exact same thing", but I never say it because people unanimously reject that statement. "Oh no, I don't know what I'd do!" Let me tell you: you'd do what you need to survive, you'd bear your pain and try your best, no matter how ugly and messy it gets. Everyone has to do it at some point. Cest la vie, and shit.

I'm not a badass, I've just had some bad luck. And this is why I'm feeling down today.

I don't want any more back luck for awhile. A central struggle for me since moving here has been the fear of cancer returning, just as I've made the life-changing decision to continue on with my career aspirations. I have hip pain, I fear an Ewing's recurrence. I have ongoing digestion troubles, I fear colon cancer. After you have two primary cancers, nothing is improbable. The rain-cloud looms incessantly overhead. Sometimes it chokes me.

I am afraid only because I am happy, because I have something to lose now, and to be cancer-free seems too good to be true. My instinct is to refrain from savoring the freedom and happiness I feel due to a sinking feeling, deep inside, that I must prepare myself for the next big storm. It's a struggle to get past this.

I will close with this, from fellow cancer blogger Cara/growthandtransition, whom I've been following lately and admire greatly for her openness:

"This tiny bird reminds me, still, that Courage has a face - it doesn’t come in feats of strength, but in fear and longing, in pain... I’ve come to the conclusion that we need not differentiate circumstance, only response. One person’s measly splinter may be another’s downfall. Regardless of experience or level of pain, everyone must make a choice to live fully or surrender."

(full entry here, check her out.)

homebody

just a few of my favorite views around the new apartment:





kitchen window looking out into a vacant lot, which is actually a rare wonderful thing.






growing up I had a very gender-neutral bedroom of yellow walls and blue carpet. I have been repairing the damage ever since.





found on the subway, keepin it just in case. magnet is my grandmother's old, it says "never too thin" but I think the bear has body dysmorphic disorder.


and yours truly trying to bear the humidity.


oh yes... I am feeling much better, save for a few aches and pains. I made an apt. with my local planned parenthood though, which does cervical/pap screenings for sliding scale fees, just to make sure everything's nothing. if you know what I mean.

p.s. I really wish this blog was formatted for big beautiful pictures