so much has been going on the last few days & I will provide a full update soon, but I just wanted to say...

to the lovely readers that reached out to help, thank you SO much, it warms my heart and makes me want to return the love every day. I'll answer emails as soon as I can. I'm going to PP for a check-up tomorrow & will let you guys know how it goes.

most often I blog to vent, and I realize it must seem like my life is one stressful disaster after another (which is not entirely untrue), but please know that I'm very, very happy to be living my life.

more soon.

I'm having a mondo-crying fit right now. it happens occasionally.

I don't understand how I keep going on interviews and keep failing to land a job.

Even minimum wage jobs for which I've had years of positive previous experience with the Company, i.e. Crossroads, have turned me down. RETAIL JOBS ARE TURNING ME DOWN, not even the design industry.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Is it the gaps in my employment history from having cancer/being in college? Is it because I'm honest about being in remission for cancer? Does that scare you, employer? Is it because I only worked at Bloomingdale's for 6 months during the summer, and Goorin for 8 months before they laid me off?

I really... I'm really discouraged.

I will not be able to pay for July rent. My credit line is maxed. I have $42 to my name. I have an interview on Weds that seems promising, but it's for an unpaid internship.

I'm doing the best I can, I'm showing up articulate, positive, absolutely willing to work, honest, with a resume and portfolio I poured my heart into and a smile on my face.

the reality? reality doesn't care much about me or my problems.

/rant.

live fully or surrender

I'm feeling really down today.

I went to visit an old school friend this afternoon at his studio, which was great; I forgot how much we had in common and I've always admired his knowledge of proper clothing construction. He is the professional I wish I was. So we were catching up, and of course it was requisite that I talk about my cancers. I explained the neck surgery, the chronic pain, my medication regimen, how I really want to find a job that offers health insurance. The documentary, and how I hope it will somehow help others. All with a casual insouciance that no doubt disturbs people who don't know me well. I may as well have been talking about a paper-cut.

But under all of those flat recitations there was a tightening of my chest, my eyes started to water, I felt a pain bubbling up within myself that was definitely NOT the Thai curry I was eating. Here's the comment that did it, and if you are a cancer survivor you've heard it countless times: "Wow, you're so strong! You're such a badass! Most people can't even handle normal life stress, let alone cancer". I know, I know. Believe me, I didn't choose to be a badass, it just happened.

I always think to myself, "If you had cancer you'd have done the exact same thing", but I never say it because people unanimously reject that statement. "Oh no, I don't know what I'd do!" Let me tell you: you'd do what you need to survive, you'd bear your pain and try your best, no matter how ugly and messy it gets. Everyone has to do it at some point. Cest la vie, and shit.

I'm not a badass, I've just had some bad luck. And this is why I'm feeling down today.

I don't want any more back luck for awhile. A central struggle for me since moving here has been the fear of cancer returning, just as I've made the life-changing decision to continue on with my career aspirations. I have hip pain, I fear an Ewing's recurrence. I have ongoing digestion troubles, I fear colon cancer. After you have two primary cancers, nothing is improbable. The rain-cloud looms incessantly overhead. Sometimes it chokes me.

I am afraid only because I am happy, because I have something to lose now, and to be cancer-free seems too good to be true. My instinct is to refrain from savoring the freedom and happiness I feel due to a sinking feeling, deep inside, that I must prepare myself for the next big storm. It's a struggle to get past this.

I will close with this, from fellow cancer blogger Cara/growthandtransition, whom I've been following lately and admire greatly for her openness:

"This tiny bird reminds me, still, that Courage has a face - it doesn’t come in feats of strength, but in fear and longing, in pain... I’ve come to the conclusion that we need not differentiate circumstance, only response. One person’s measly splinter may be another’s downfall. Regardless of experience or level of pain, everyone must make a choice to live fully or surrender."

(full entry here, check her out.)

homebody

just a few of my favorite views around the new apartment:





kitchen window looking out into a vacant lot, which is actually a rare wonderful thing.






growing up I had a very gender-neutral bedroom of yellow walls and blue carpet. I have been repairing the damage ever since.





found on the subway, keepin it just in case. magnet is my grandmother's old, it says "never too thin" but I think the bear has body dysmorphic disorder.


and yours truly trying to bear the humidity.


oh yes... I am feeling much better, save for a few aches and pains. I made an apt. with my local planned parenthood though, which does cervical/pap screenings for sliding scale fees, just to make sure everything's nothing. if you know what I mean.

p.s. I really wish this blog was formatted for big beautiful pictures

book club

I'm blogging more because I have no one to talk to here.

spending my nights in quiet solitude, which is so refreshing after living at the beach house and never having a minute to myself.

finished Goethe's The Sorrows of Young Werther and collected poems

now starting the Bell Jar again... this is perhaps the 5th or 6th time I've read it (typical, right?). I figure it's fitting for a lonely summer in New York. The only other book I've read as many times (once a year practically) is Jens Peter Jacobson's "Neils Lyhne", although I think I've grown out of his idealism.

I didn't have the energy or concentration to read during treatment, which is partially why we wanted to make a comic book. It's easy on the chemo-brain :)

have you read anything good lately?


oh yeah... my birthday is in 2 days; I will be the ripe old age of 26.

my heart soars on the streets of Brooklyn

(via josh derr flickr)

So, I am here, fucking finally, after 2 years of failed planning, doubt, and illness getting in my way. I mean, it's still in my way, but from now on I'm going to be that rude bitch on the street that just elbows past it, never even looking back or apologizing, because I HAVE SOMEWHERE I NEED TO BE. So there.

(It's taken me a very long time to get to this point.)

I've had a lot going on lately. A documentary crew, which I am forbidden to speak of, has been following me since late April. They even filmed my flight here with iceman. It's incredibly surreal and exhausting. I'm doing this because I hope people will benefit from it in the same way as this blog; here is a girl you can relate to, whose had struggle and suffering and pain and is somehow stubborn enough to keep pursuing a dream, and most importantly, willing to let you into her life. Seriously, everyone is welcome. I invite you all to share my life with me. I feel it would be a waste if I didn't share it.

My health is stable right now. I'm currently on an oxycontin/codone regimen that works well enough. I'm not pain free, but I can get out of bed in the mornings. It does make me drowsy & I'm trying to get an rx for Nuvigil, which my doc said would combat the fatigue. Has anyone tried this? I worry that I won't have the stamina to work the normal 8-12 hour days required in the fashion industry. We'll see... I need to secure a JOB first, a task I am finding heartbreakingly difficult so far.

Keep trying, keep working, keep moving. Keep your chin up, kid. Many, many artists and writers that I admire struggled with countless rejections and few published works during their lifetime. The shared human experience is surprisingly consistent.

The comic is going well, I have left Jon with all of the final illustrations and we are preparing to finally send out backer prizes, yay! We are planning to release the 1st issue in conjunction with the airing of this "documentary series" who's name we dare not mention.

What else? I'm enjoying the beautiful weather and my working body, walking right foot, left foot, cognizant that I might not have the chance someday. Happy despite great faults. Hopeful to nurture new friendships and meet kindred spirits. and stuff.

that pretty much sums it up.