Sometimes you are forced to take a step back in order to move forward.


For once in my life I am surrounding myself with people who want to be with me, instead of chasing ghosts. A realization of mortality will do this to you. You find yourself grasping the present with frantic enthusiasm.

I have no more illusions.

Besides, who needs illusions with sunsets like these?

get this...

I am about to go see not one, but TWO different friends today

-all alone
-whilst driving my mom's car.

This is a cancer patient's equivalent of an all night binge-drinking extravaganza ending in you convincing your best friend to flirt with some dude to get the W hotel pool key and swimming at 3 am. Basically, EPIC.


...even if it is just coffee. come visit me!

death and diners

I weighed myself today- 130. Down from 145. I am officially skinny. I think I was this weight at age 14.

I got high last night (family-deal with it) in an attempt to feel better and remember what hungry felt like. Leave it to me to end up scarfing down tangerines all night and obsessively googling "hemipelvectomies" for hours on end, scaring myself shitless.

I am slowly realizing the severity of my situation. It takes time to research, for everything to settle in. Hopefully things will go exactly as planned- I'll never need surgery, the cancer will go away with radiation, and I'll be in remission/cured forever. Realistically, though, one must confront the possibility of not-so-favorable outcomes. One must confront death. I had a dream a couple of nights ago in which I did just that.

You see, I've had a conversation with death. At a Denny's, no less, which I can only assume signifies purgatory or hell or some other horrid sterile place. We sat at a booth and had a cup of coffee. I had a sense death was a man, but with no discernible body. Just fuzzy blackness. I never looked directly at him, just stared at the speckled beige tabletop.

We worked it out. We've reached an understanding. I'm not going to die anytime soon. I was conscious that it was a dream, but still terrified in the beginning, as if thinking about it would usher death in. It was like a nervous first date, I slowly becoming more comfortable as the conversation progressed. In the end, I was left with a feeling. Just a feeling, indescribable, but I will try to anyway:

the only thing that matters is to be happy by making others happy, to love by being loved, rather than being controlled by desire.

I'm not sure if I even subscribe to this (isn't desire so much fun?), but this was my overwhelming feeling upon waking up.

a little more truth...

Holy crap, this video made me cry so hard.

all I can say is... exactly.

I haven't been able to walk since last Friday. I am so relieved the pain finally went away a couple of days ago- being stuck in bed is so disheartening.

I have a lesson for you today: appreciate your body.

Your body, this amazing thing that houses your consciousness. Touch something right now with your fingertips- the keyboard, the surface of the desk, your face. Feel it. Know that I can't. I will never be able to hold your hand and feel it in mine like I did before. Walk around today, feel the sun on your face. I used to walk around everywhere. I miss it. Taste something today, really taste it. Feel how satisfying it is. I haven't even been able to chew food for the past few days. Oh, what I would give to be able to eat curry again.



I've been hesitant to describe my chemo side-effects on the blog, if only because they're THAT horrible and there are people who read this thing that I miss kissing. I suppose that's why I don't want to show anyone my baldy head either. But... fuck that. I'm here, all alone, going through this alone. We're all human, and what I'm experiencing the most intrinsic, human thing of all- suffering. Probably more extreme mental and physical anguish than most people ever experience, but relatable non the less.

Plus, I would have been grateful to know what really happens before I started. I went into chemo thinking my biggest issues would be hair loss and nausea. Hi-fucking-larious.

Here is an example of my last two weeks with the adria/vin combo. Adriamycin is a powerful antibiotic, killing all of the good bacteria in your body, while vincristine is a nerve toxin:

1.) Mon-Tues: The actual chemo days are not so bad. You sit in a chair for 8 hours hooked up to a machine and feel slightly flu-like when home. Fun times in the near future!

2.) Weds: Wake up vomiting. Extreme nausea and fatigue that lasts about a week. Trip to the ER due to vomiting, fever, and an internal infection.

3.) Thurs-Fri: Drug induced stupor in bed. The fatigue feels like you've got cabin fever within your own body, or restless leg syndrome, but all over. Your body is exhausted and nauseous but your mind is healthy and awake. This disconnect is horrible. Minutes seem like hours. Around Thursday the nerves in my feet begin to hurt. By Friday it is excruciating to walk.

4.) Sat-Tues: Still can't walk, still fatigued and in bed. The nausea finally subsides.

5.) Weds-Thurs: Finally, my feet feel normal, but now I wake up with a mouth full of sores due to thrush. The sides and back of my tongue are covered, and they go all the way down my throat. I can't chew anything. I start to slur my words. The pain is horrible. Also, be grateful your shit is normal and lasts 5 seconds and is generally uneventful. Those chemo mouth sores don't just stop at my throat... They go all the way down my digestive tract. So be grateful your shit doesn't feel like satan riding a motorcycle straight from hell and out your ass twice a day. It is seriously THE WORST pain I have ever experienced.

So.. here I am, Thursday with thrush. You get to read it for 5 minutes, but I get to live it for the next four months. Jealous much?

I don't have much energy for a full post, BUT

I found out Monday that my tumor has shrunk from 7c to 3.4c. It's halfway gone and I haven't even begun radiation yet! Also, no metastasis so far.

I wish this meant that my treatment will end sooner, but alas, that's not what the oncology gods have in store for me.

Recovery after the vincristine/adri weeks is always hell. My feet have started to hurt due to nerve damage. Luckily they have given me an extra week due to Thanksgiving, so maybe I'll get a little relief...

postsecret

My vivid dreams are always of the day I will be free of chemo.