Tuesday, 24 November 2009

life is a struggle, right?

A brief update: I am currently working on my senior thesis collection for fashion design; a culmination of my college work and personal artistry. It is exciting and rewarding and STRESSFUL AS HELL.

Normal stress after cancer is proving to be an uphill battle. In my pre-cancer days, I'd stay up for days and a time, drink gallons of caffeine, and kick out a project that I could be (reasonably) proud of. My body would recoup in a few days and I'd be fine.

Now, things are drastically different. I am managing my time well and have allowed time for rest, but my body is screaming at me. I like working with a deadline, but I worry that my body won't be able to keep up with the demands I'm putting it through. 10 hours a day, every day, I've been draping, pattern drafting, sewing, drawing, crying in the shower with my clothes on, all with wide-eyed anticipation for May.

After a few days at work my muscles are burning. Everything aches, from my back to the tips of my fingers. I've had a cold that's been waxing and waning for 3 months now. My PTSD symptoms are out with full force, presumably due to all of this stress. I am not complaining, I'm merely documenting my experience. I understand that cancer, PTSD, stress, and the general "failing" of my body won't go away, and I'll need to cope and adapt. That said, I am the happiest I've ever been in a long, long time. Or perhaps, just more appreciative of happiness... :)

Here is a really great, accessible essay on PTSD. I relate to just about everything that is written.

Here's a sneak peak at one of the muslins I've been working on:

So basically, in a nutshell, I'm stressed and in pain and it sucks, but I'm trying to work it out. [Not "make it work", I swear, the next person who says that to me gets a pressing block to the head.]

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