something strange for your Sunday

"The most celebrated body of work by Lam Qua is the impressive collection of portraits, commissioned by Peter Parker in the 1830's, of patients at the Canton Hospital with large tumors or other major deformities. These startling and somewhat gruesome paintings of pathological subject matter are unsettling to the viewer. One of the most noticeable aspects of each portrait is the expressionless look on the subjects' face. The lack of emotion turns the viewer's eye from the subjects' face to their pathology, or illness. Each subject appears to express neither pain nor sadness and serves as a testament to the human spirit in the face of physical adversity."

You can browse the collection here.

A little Francis Bacon-esque, no?

The placid expressions are not so much a "testament to the human spirit" as they are just inadvertently creepy...

I wish I could share with you just how painful this all is. Not to experience the pain, per say, but to learn. Sometimes I think of my life in movie clips and I want to share poignant little parts...

At times I feel strong, like all of this is no big deal, and other times I am hellbent that suicide is the only thing left to get rid of it. "It" being the cancer, my pain, the pain I seem to be giving my family and friends.

Life is hard, live it for as long as you can take it.

when it rains, it pours.

ugh.

My counts are too low for chemo today, so they're pushing everything back a week.

I have to go to the hospital for a blood transfusion tomorrow, thursday, and friday a bone scan.

My mom's car is in the shop for the next four days, so everyone is trying figure out how to get me to and from the hospital. I still have no ride for friday.

I fucking hate this. I hate being a burden to other people and I hate not being able to do these things myself.

she's ugly but she's a good listener.

I have lied to you twofold: this post is neither on Sunday, nor about sex. Another day I promise.

How do you respond when people ask what your favorite music is? I'm usually hard-pressed for something to say. Uhmm. Indie? too broad. folk? metal? hip hop?

I may be a little late to jump on the bandwagon, but last.fm is amazing if you have cancer or a lot of time to kill. It's an Internet radio similar to Pandora, but also a social networking site that allows you to share music and analyze your listening habits. It uploads all of the info on your itunes and tells you what you listen to.

I've been so bored with my music during chemo sessions and am constantly asking friends to recommend bands, so this is perfect if you're in a rut. It helps alleviate the monotony of chemo sessions.

Also, it's interesting to see what songs you've most listened to. For instance, it says I've been playing Regina Spektor lately because I'm trying to learn her songs on piano. And I never would have guessed my "most listened to" is Connie Francis' "I'm breaking in a brand new broken heart". God I'm depressing.

Here is my profile.

make one and be my friend! let's see what you're really listening to.

keeping tabs

I've had a friend staying over, so new "actual" post on cancer/sexuality this Sunday. A few little updates:

The radiation burn is looking much better, I'm glad to say. Chemo last week was quite brutal, but nothing new. Approximately 2 weeks of this hellish elixir left to go.

Learning piano has done amazing things for my morale. I love it. I practice constantly. I dream in notes and measures now. It has replaced my other bad habits as a means for stress relief.

One of my favorite people has procured a scooter for me, and this has spawned all sorts of outrageous fantasies for April/May. Sunny days, sewing, friends, hair growth, put-putting around town in an ugly little Malaguti. I CAN'T WAIT TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN. And repay all of you with hugs and kisses or whatever else seems fitting.

Fantasy aside, I would like to start looking for a place to live in the next couple of months. If anyone hears of a good deal for a room anywhere in the city please let me know.

fashionisms

Let's sidetrack, momentarily. I styled a shoot for a goth/fetish magazine back in Feb/08 and the issue is finally out.

Mind you, I used my own designs, so classiness is at a maximum. No latex here!







Also, here is a site I've been quite obsessed with : lookbook.nu. Great inspiration if you can sift through the headbands and pouty faces. Here's mine.

I miss sewing more than anything right now...

Elvis on my Pelvis

Last day of radiation is tomorrow, thankfully. I am tired of my outside blistering and my inside turning to mush. Five more chemos left. To say I've been depressed lately would be a gross understatement- bursts of tears will be triggered by something as trivial as guilt over my mom buying me socks. I feel like a burden. Everything seems too delicate and temporary. I look out and see paper houses and paper trees, origami lives being smooshed to bits every now and then for no particular reason. My current situation is seeped in self-induced loneliness and death and anxiety over how short my life might be. I really wish I could say troop morale was better, but, war is always grim.

I want you all to know that the King is alive and well somewhere south of my bellybutton.


Maybe when I'm better I'll get him tattooed over the burn?


things to be happy about tonight:
++solitude
++clean sheets in a cold room
++learning to play piano
++20 plus pages written
++the privilege of extra time that treatment has given me
++always possibilities